hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
