I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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