i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
