drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
