i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
