What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
