she takes plan B like it's going out of style
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
