my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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