you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
