Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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