What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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