I can text with my tongue
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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