its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
