last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
