i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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