It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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