remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
