ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
