I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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