The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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