I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
