youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
