The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
