I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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