please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
