The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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