they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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