I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
