Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
