i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
