K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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