you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
