so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
