...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
