If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
