you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
