i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
