The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
