i need an iv and a liver transplant
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
