I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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