last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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