Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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