I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
