Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
