I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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