Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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