I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
