is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We left an ass print on the piano.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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