I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
