I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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